I was riding my unicycle through Death Valley when a crazy thought popped into my head. Why are you in Death Valley? Why are you riding a unicycle? Who are you? I decided I had had enough of this ridiculousness and had to take action. I needed one thing...a monkey wrench. I was about 100 miles from any sort of civilization so I summoned my magical swarm of mosquitoes that were busy biting the hell out of a guy in Michigan. They appeared within 6 seconds and lifted me off my unicycle into the air. They took me to a 7-11 in a town called Purgatory. I entered the store, asked if they had a monkey wrench and they told me that they had been expecting me, and saved a monkey wrench especially for me. It was the most beautiful monkey wrench I had ever seen. It had the word "Monkey" engraved in the gold handle with a diamond in the middle of the "O". I said thank you to the deaf guy behind the counter and left. I knew exactly what I had to do then. I walked nearly 86 miles before coming across a blue-footed booby eating the blueberries of life planted by Mother Nature himself. I took my monkey wrench and chucked it at the damn booby, knocking him out and preserving the sacred blueberries. From that day forward my life's answers were apparent.
The next day, it was dark as hell outside and I was cold because I forgot to put on clothes. As I was walking I heard a crack and looked down to see a broken piece of glass. I wondered why it didn't hurt that I stepped on a piece of glass to discover that I was wearing a shoe on that particular foot. I didn't know what to do so I panicked. I decided I needed to go to a gynecologist immediately. So I ran as fast as I could to the nearest gynecologist. On the way an SUV driven by some drunk Kodiak bear hit me. I hate Kodiak bears and the way they drive so I threw my only shoe at him. I missed but I didn't care because I really needed to get to the gynecologist. When I arrived, the receptionist was playing with a stapler pretending it was an airplane and making strange vrooming noises as she waved the thing around her big head. I said, "Quick I need the doc" but she said she was busy and had to do other things first. I guess it was foolish of me not to see how important of a woman she was with her stapler and all that jazz. I told her she should put the stapler back in her file cabinet where it belongs and get me a damn doctor. She said fine and rang the doctor. About 45 minutes later a bus pulled into the hospital and the doctor got out. He said follow me and took me to his office. When we were there he said "Can I help you?" but I had forgotten why I came to the doctor's and just left. I was hungry so I went to pizza hut and ordered a cantaloupe. It was delicious but it wasn't a cantaloupe. It was a bomb. I realized this after I heard ticking inside me and asked the pizza guy why he gave me a bomb. He told me it was because I killed his gerbil.
Later, I was sitting at a computer when a strange thought crossed my mind. Why don't I know my middle name? I decided to go on a quest to find out. I picked up my computer and threw it out the window. I ran to my moped and hopped on. My mission had begun. I was driving at an incredible pace nearly 17 mph when I hit a gerbil driving a monster truck. Oh no, now I'd have to pay the damn gerbil and I didn't have insurance but fortunately the gerbil died on impact so I kept moving. I came to a building that had a sign on it saying "We know your middle name". It was a bit general but I figured I'd give it a shot. I walked inside and they immediately told me my middle name was Michael. I was satisfied so I left. I hopped back on my moped when another thought popped into my head. How did the bastard know my middle name? I decided to find out. I went inside and held a water gun to his face and said "Please sir tell me how you did such an incredible thing" He was obviously scared by my enormous size, huge gun, and menacing threats but he answered calmly. He told me my middle name was Michael because it is and that is how he knew. I told him he was a genius and left. I went to buy a slurpee at 7-11. It was delicious until I choked and died but that was okay because I knew everything I needed to know.
